Parenting.

1.  Works just like a bartering system.
So, it has been awhile since the last post. (It feels like I start every post with this sentence.)  Anyway, I thought I would share a parenting story.

Henry loves to poop.  He excels in filling his diaper.  You know when he is doing his business, because he concentrates real hard.  By "real hard", I mean he puts all of his energy into it.  He usually makes a serious face...and then the slight grunting starts.  He grunts when he pushes.  Henry also holds his breathe when this is going on.  So, he turns bright red when taking care of his business.  Usually when he is done ... it is a mess. Like clockwork ... we take him up stairs to change his diaper.  Lay him down ... and it seems like it immediately shoots up his back towards his shoulders.  I mean, his onesie is clean when we lay him down ... but it goes everywhere one he is laid down.  If there was a cleanand effective way for me to change his diaper while he stood up...I would do it.

Back to story time.  Henry is in his little horsey jumper.  Going to town (jumping).  He has hops like Michael Jordan.  Then, abruptly he stops and goes into poop mode.  Faint grunts and the red face.

INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY TIME

APRIL

(to Henry)

Hey, buddy.  Tell Daddy to give you some fresh pants?

MARTIN

(knowing that it sounded like a mud bomb went off in H-dogg's diaper)

If you change him, I will be on night duty tonight.

APRIL

So you will do night duty for three days in a row???

MARTIN

Absolutely.

APRIL

(to Henry)

Hey Bud, lets go change that diaper.  Mommy gets 3 nights of un-interrupted sleep!

FYI - I guess I should tell you guys that we switch off night duty each night.  It definitely helps to know that you will get a full night's rest AT LEAST every other night.  But the cool thing is that Henry sleeps through the night.

Henry Roy (Vol. 6)

8.  The force is strong with this one.

This would be Henry's costume for Halloween.  He would be Yoda.  And yes, that is from Star Wars.  This is how it works.....  I like Star Wars = Henry likes Star Wars.  He will thank me for this later in life.

I know.  This is a tad late to post a Halloween entry.  Sue me.  In the last few weeks...I have entered my 30s and my wife and I have celebrated our 4th anniversary. We also spent a week in the Dakotas, ya know.  I got excuses.  Want another one?  I have a 7 month old! Care for another one?  I'm tired.  Doesn't that sound like every other facebook status update???

During the upcoming holiday season, I plan to update the blog more often.  At least, that is the goal.  The last several entries had been more pictures than writing.

Just remembered this.  We had our annual pumpkin carving party at the house this year.  And guess what I carved for my pumpkin?  Yoda!!!

Vehicles.

1.  They do not work properly when a person is not driving them.
Sorry, it has been awhile.  Busy...busy...busy.  Blah-blah-blah.  I know.  Everyone is busy.  Just man up, Martin...and entertain your 3 readers on a more regular basis!!!  Ok.  I will.  STORY TIME!!!!

So, this morning started out like any other morning...except that this is my first morning of my 30s.  I know.  I do look quite young.  Back to the story.  Got ready and dressed for work.  Loaded H-Dogg into the car and started the drive over to daycare.  This is usually the time where I introduce the latest and greatest in music to Henry.  Today, it was The Budos Band.  Look them up.  They rock.

Driving down this road, I come up to a red light.  My car is second from the front.  What I see next totally catches me off guard.  On the road that crosses the street I am on....a regular looking Ford or Chevy pickup truck drives by extremely, excruciatingly slow.  Not only is it driving slow....but the hood of the truck in up.  I thought, that was odd.  Then, our light turns green.  So, I put that thought on the back burner.  However, the delivery truck in front of me is not going.  I think...."Go, man.  It's green!"  But obviously he sees something I didn't.  A few seconds later...I see it.  A middle aged hispanic woman is sprinting behind the slow moving pickup truck.  As the woman clears the intersection, the delivery truck starts driving and I follow.  As I am driving through the intersection a question pops in my head.  "How can you drive a truck when the hood is in the upright position?!?!?!!?"

Immediately, I look to the right to see the truck with its hood up hop the curb and .... SLAM INTO A TREE.  Martin, I don't get it?  Why did that person drive the car into a tree?  I will tell you why.  It is because there was NO ONE in that truck.  The woman that was chasing the truck "was" the driver!!!  But don't worry, she stopped running.  I guess she realized the truck wasn't going anywhere now.  Ridiculous.

P.S.  Here was the original lesson this post was going to start with: 1. Women can't drive.  Even though the statement is true...my story doesn't support that.  Maybe it should of been: 1. Women can't outrun slow moving trucks. 

Henry Roy (Vol. 5)

7. We have a future hunter on our hands.
Pheasant season starts this weekend.  You know what?  I will just let Henry explain this.  (I will translate) 

Wanna know what I will do if I see a pheasant?!?!?

I will shoot it in the face!!!!***

Then, I will EAT IT!!!!



This is my serious face.

Hunting attire provided by Pickled Lily.  See ya.

*** This translation has been redacted by someone that is not me.

...October 6th, 2010

1.  I am making my 6th batch of home brew.
Very exciting.  The style of beer will be an American Pale Ale.  My motivation is Southern Star's Pine Belt Pale Ale.  It is one of my faves and only made about an hour north of Houston.  That would be the Conroe area.  I found out what the ingredients were in their pale ale and I am trying to replicate it.  Hopefully, it turns out fantastic.  If not....I WILL STILL DRINK IT!  I know what ingredients to use...but how much?  When do I add each hops?  Well, this is an experiment.  So far, all my beers have been quite drinkable.  Everyone that likes beer had said many positive things about the 4 other beers.  Or they are just being nice....

Also, my pumpkin ale (my 5th batch) should be ready to drink this Saturday.  I used about 6 pounds of pumpkin meat in the boil of my beer.  Also, at the end of the boil I threw in cinnamon sticks, allspice and nutmeg.  I am quite curious in how this turns out.

2.  I almost died making my 6th batch of beer.

Or...I came close to becoming a Batman villain.  Which villain?  TWO- FACE!  Is it because it is my 6th batch....made on the 6th day of October....in the 6th year after 2004 (ok..that was stretch).????? 

In the process of making beer, you have to steep grains in water.  Picture a teabag that could hold roughly 4 softballs.  That is what I'm working with.  I am steeping 3 pounds of grain.  When you are done, you take the grains out.  However, the grains retain a healthy amount of water.  So, what you do is "sparge" the grains.  Basically, you put the grain bag in a colander.  Hold it over the boiling pot and pour hot water over the grains.  This new hot water will push the water out of the grains into the pot.  Are you picking up what I am laying down?  However, after you take the grains out, you crank up the heat and get the water boiling.  This takes awhile since you are working with about 3 gallons of water.  Would you like for me to get to the dang point?  Ok.  So, I was "sparging" the grains.  Meaning in my left hand was a large pitcher of hot water.  My right hand held the handle to the large metal colander and 3 pound over a large pot that was heating to a boil.  I poured the water through the grains and just held the colander over the pot of really hot water.  Well guess what? The handle on the colander decided to detach itself from the colander.  Meaning the basket part of the colander along with the 3 pounds of grain "plopped" into 3 gallons of hot as hell water.  The result of this incident drenched my entire right side of my body and face (my cat like reflexes turned my head to the left).  Not to mention the sugar water exploded about 8 feet behind me.  There was water about 4 above my head on the cabinets.  A total mess.  The water also extinguished the flame on the gas stove.  Oh well.  Lesson learned.  Don't use a colander that has a detachable handle.  Ridiculous.  If this would of happened roughly 5 minutes later...I would definitely be looking like Two-Face right about now.  Good thing the water was only around 170 degrees....and not boiling.

Bikram Yoga

1.  It's a conspiracy to buy more towels and washing detergent.
Yes, I did bikram yoga.  Do you know what it is?  For the late person, bikram yoga is also known as "hot yoga."  It is a 90 minute yoga class where you do 2 breathing exercises and 26 yoga poses.  Oh, and the room you are doing all of this in is around 105 degrees and 50% humidity.

 

I really must thank some "friends" that stayed at our house a few weeks ago for this. My "friends" brought it up during their visit. And basically, my "best friend from kindergarten" talked about how great it was. April loves it, too. Me...never tried. Thought it was quite girly. Extremely anti. After they left, my wife hit me up and said..." I wonder what your thoughts on bikram yoga are NOW that your "friend" did it and enjoyed it?" I realized the conversation was going to be a lose/lose situation (for me). You know the conversation where you know you (me) will look like a jerk and complete A-hole at the end?  So, I caved. Thanks, "friends."

Back to my conspiracy theory.  Bikram has to be getting kickbacks from the towel and detergent industries.  I asked April what I needed to bring to a class.  She says:

• A hand towel to wipe your face.
• 2 large towels to put over your yoga mat.  Due to you sweating every ounce of water out of your body.
• Another large towel to put over your car seat on the drive home.  Because your body found some more water to sweat out.

 Do you realize how much those 4 towels weight after a class.  Its about 20 lbs of wet stinky towel.  And you can't just throw those things in the laundry basket!

Overall, I do enjoy the class.  I like that fact that you cannot talk for the 90 minutes in the class.  Quiet time is good, specially in a world that bombards you constantly with phone calls, text messages, emails, tweets, status updates and so many other things.  Yes, I am deep.  Plus, I need to lose some weight.  Over the past few months, I have slowly gained unwanted weight.  I just need to shock the system.  And let me tell you....you do lose weight.  I weigh myself before class and shortly after I get back home.  You do what?!?  What?  I weigh myself before and after class to see how much weight I lost.  That's weird.  That's not weird! I guess the next thing you are going to say is that weighing yourself before and after going to the restroom is weird, too.  Yeah, pretty much.  I don't have to take this.

Henry Roy (Vol.4)

6. We have a future metal head!
This is a first for me!  I have added video to this blog.

No country music for this kid!  (*exhales sigh of relief*)  Ha ha, Tumis Team.  I win!  Actually, don't we all win?!?!?  I should note that I make Henry play the air guitar to Green Day quite often and he usually just smiles and enjoys the noises.  I didn't know he would go crazy if I just added a little head banging to it.

I would like to apologize for the quality of this video.  First off, a woman was behind the camera (love you!).  Second, it was poorly lit.  Third, we didn't know this was about to happen.  Hopefully, there will be more to come.  I need to find a good and hopefully free video editing software.  Any suggestions?

More musical themed bonus shots...

The End!

Henry Roy (Vol.3)

4.  Henry is high class.  He doesn't sleep in sh!t filled diapers.

There was probably a better way to write that but I chose to go low brow.  So, yeah.  Henry is now a week away from being five months old.  He has been eating solids for 3 weeks and loving it.  There have been several people say, "Oh once he starts eating solid foods, he will sleep through the night."  I get it.  More solid foods in his stomach.  He will be less hungry during the night and therefore sleep through the night.  Well, people....you are wrong!  One thing people don't realize is that King Henry is royalty.  Only peasants and lower class babies sleep with filthy diapers on.  I will paint a picture so that you can wrap your feeble mind around.  More solid foods that go in the mouth of King Henry = more solid waste that comes out of a royal body part that will not be mentioned.  Comprende?  After this happens at 11pm and 2am, the King politely informs us that he must be changed before going back to bed.

5. He changes daily.

One thing that still gets me is how much Henry has changed in under 5 months.  He has basically tripled in size.  He can now intentionally grab toys that are in front of him.  I say "intentionally", because for the past 2 months anything his hands touch, he will automatically grab it.  Supposedly, he has rolled over on three different occasions at his daycare.  We have yet to witness this magical event.  As each day flies by, he is making noises and sounds.  Usually after we make him smile or laugh.  Or when he is talking to his bugs.  We have 2 colorful metal bugs that are attached to springs (which were then attached to the ceiling by an amazing handyman, successful home brewer and extremely well recieved bloggerista (is that a word (also, would that be referring to a female blogger (if that does mean female blogger then it must be a typo)?)?)).  These BUGS dangle and bounce over the changing table.  Henry likes to converse with them while we change him.  I hope he doesn't continue this when he is older.  He may grow up to be one of those people that like to talk to you while you are standing at the urinal.  WEIRD! 

INT - MEN'S PUBLIC RESTROOM - DAYTIME
Martin Roy is using the urinal.  A stranger walks into the bathroom and uses the urinal next to Martin.

STRANGER

Hey, did you see that game last night?  What a great game.  I cannot believe we pulled out the win.

MARTIN

Excuse me, sir.  Will you please stop talking to me?  I currently have my (insert bad word for the male reproductive organ) in my hand and for some reason, I do not want to have a conversation with ANYONE right now.  Plus, I have to concentrate.

END SCENE

Henry....please don' be that stranger.  I must try harder.  This parenting thing isn't easy.  Well, I think this entry is just about done.  Lets check my list of things I wanted to talk about or use in this blog entry:

1. Henry's bowel movements - check
2. Go off on a tangent and talk about peeing at a urinal - check (pretty sure everything after "WEIRD!" would qualify including this list.)
3. Portray an encounter as if it was in a movie script - check
4. Create the word "bloggerista" only if it's not gender specific.  - I think that is a check.
5. Over use parentheses. - check

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 (movie)

1. Not every old movie needs to be remade.

The remake that I am referring to came out last year.  It starred John Travolta and Denzel Washington.  Tony Scott directed it.  I finally got around to watching it on Netflix Instant.  Quite frankly, it was forgettable.  The original film was much better.

The funny thing is this could technically not be a remake.  Why? Because the titles are different.  The original was called "The Taking of Pelham One-Two-Three."  The new one is called "The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3."  Good one.  Tony Scott shorten the title by 8 characters.  

Anyway, the original came out in 1974 and starred Walter Mathau and Robert Shaw.  The story revolved around Shaw and his men taking a subway car (and its passengers) hostage in the NYC subway tunnels.  Mathau works as a NYC Transit officer and becomes the impromptu hostage negotiator.  The remake is pretty much the same except the year and the amount of money the baddies want.  Damn inflation...

2. NYC cops can't drive.
At one point in the movie, NYC cops are transporting 10 million dollars to the hostage situation.  The way the movie put it together, it would show Denzel and John negotiating for a few minutes.  You know, character development.  Then, it would cut to these cops in a large convoy speeding through Manhattan trying to get to the subway station before John kills a hostage.  Standard procedure for a hostage movie.  However!!!!  Every single time they cut to the cops ....they wreck.  Its like the movie studio saw the final product and said....."We like it....but there isn't enough car wrecks."  However, the end product just looks like the NYC cops are horrific drivers.  The most absurd scene shows a cop car driving through an intersection smashing into a cab.  The cop car physically plows through the cab, flipping it over the cop car as IT DOES NOT EVEN SLOW DOWN AFTER THE WRECK!  The parting shot just shows this crumpled and turned over cab in the middle of the intersection.  Oh yeah...and it shows the cop car drive off like it hit a pothole.  Ridiculous.  It's funny how small parts of a movie can take you right out it.  Is the cab drive ok?  What about its passengers?  Were there any kids in the vehicle?  Who cares....cut to John Travolta screaming another F-Bomb.

3. Tony Scott wants to make me throw up.
Why can't you keep the camera stationary? I understand in action scenes the camera needs to follow the action. However, there is no need for the camera to circle a single character as he is standing still talking about "the plot." It adds nothing to the film....except this feeling of dizziness. I would understand that you could use it in a movie where the character being circled is confused or disoriented. However, there is nothing exciting about James Gandolfini (he is the mayor) standing on the street, talking to his advisor on what he should do about the current crisis.

One thing I will admit is that I liked Gandolfini's portrayal as the Mayor of NYC.  Most times, mayors are portrayed like heroes and doing everything they can to help save its city and blah-blah-blah.  He is the exact opposite.  He openly talks about how he hates his job and is not running for re-election.  From a few dialogue lines, it seems the Mayor got into some extra-marital affairs and has been dragged through the mud.  I just thought it was an interesting character choice in an otherwise by-the-numbers movie.

Bottom line:  2 out of 5 Stars

 If you want to see a good movie, see the original. If you want to see John Travolta play crazy and throw F-bombs or Denzel play the "every man" ... I guess you should see this movie...

Parenthood.

1. Time is flying by.
I cannot believe its been four months already.  So much has changed in these few short months.  Summer is almost over.  Cool weather is just around the corner.  Football season!  Oh yeah....and our little boy is getting bigger by the second.

Henry is now four months old.  He has grown nearly 5 inches and gained over 10 pounds in that time.  He can now stand with just the slightest help.  Henry is smiling at everything.  To make a long story short...he changes every day.  We think he is only days away from rolling over.

2.  There are not enough hours in the day.
When you think about the actual hours I get to see my son, it's kinda depressing.  When he wakes up in the morning, I usually scoop him up.  We get to hang out.  Make silly faces to each other.  Then, it's time to get ready for work.  After that, I grab Mr. Henry and we head to day care.  This past week was his first at day care.  It is roughly 2 miles from my work, which is nice.  So, we ride together listening to Mike and Mike in the Morning.  Drop him off.  Go to work until 5pm.  April gets off earlier, so she grabs Henry on the way home.  By the time I get home, it is 5:20pm.  That means I only have 100 more minutes before we get Henry ready for bed.  I guess this plays into the whole "time flies" saying.  To me, it is getting worse, too.  As each day passes, Henry is developing more of a personality.  I just want to be part of each special moment of his life.  I don't want to miss a thing.  Oh no.  Did I just quote an Aerosmith song?  Did I just quote an Aerosmith song from the movie Armageddon?  Damn.

Road Trips

1. It will only get more difficult.
Our first family road trip is in the books. I find it odd…but I can use the word “family” now. April and I have been together for over 5 years and have taken many road trips. Mostly back to see her parents. To be honest, I never thought of just April and I as a “family”. Does a “family” have to involve children to be technically classified as a “family”?

We had quite the system on our way up to the Dakotas.  I drove and April sat in the back to feed and keep Henry happy.  It was quite surprising how well Henry just chilled in his car seat.  The first day we spent roughly 12 hours in our vehicle.  The following day was about 8 hours.

Gotta learn sometime!

This trip may just be the last one where we aren't fighting Henry.  I just assume a 1yr old or older is not going to like sitting in a car seat for 4+ hours in a row.  But we shall see.  There will be many more road trips in the future.
2. There are two seasons in Iowa ... or ... Screw you, IOWA!
The two seasons Iowa has are WINTER and ROAD CONSTRUCTION. I didn’t make this up. My wife told me this. It’s funny because it’s true. What trips me out is how they go about road construction. No lie. One entire side of the highway is ripped up, down to the dirt, and is replaced. It also happens at 10 mile stretches. That means both directions of traffic are using one side of the highway. Yep, one lane traveling. No passing for 10+ miles.  Just follow the car (that is always driving 15 mph slower than you) in front of you. To me it seems pretty ridiculous. I have never seen that in Texas.   That is one thing that gets to me on road trips.  Construction.  Bad drivers don't really get to me.  Because they are everywhere.  Not just in the city.  They exist everywhere.  Good thing we don’t have to drive that far through Iowa.

July 29th, 2010

1. Football season is sooooooo close!
I can give you two reasons why I believe this:

• Yesterday, I purchased my fantasy football magazine to prepare for our draft that is several weeks away.
• Henry slept in these pajamas last night.  April picked them out.....not me. 

  

Everytime I use the flash he makes the bug-eyes at me.

Fantastic!

Home Brewing (Vol.2)

2. The first batch turned out well.
As of two weeks ago, my first attempt at brewing is finally complete.  I apologize for being so late with this post.

Overall, the IPA tastes pretty good.  Much better than I ever imagined.  To be quite honest, I thought I would have to lower my expectation due to the equipment used.  This isn't a million dollar brewery.  Just a some ingredients boiled together and thrown into a large glass jug with some yeast.  But I tell you what...you can make some great beer that way.  Great hoppy taste.  Smooth.  My only complaint is the lower amount of alcohol. IPAs should have a higher alcohol content, but I goofed during the boil. Don't worry though.  That mistake will not happen again.

One of the fascinating things of this process is the carbonation in the bottles.  Basically, you add 3/4 cup of sugar to your beer, mix it and then bottle it.  Seven days after bottling, there was some bubbles in my beer and was pretty happy.  I wasn't expecting much because, like above, I lowered my expectations.  However,  now (almost 2 weeks since bottling) the carbonation is fantastic.  You pour the IPA into a glass and you actually get a foamy head (easy).

3.  Thinking of a name for your beer is just as much fun as brewing it.
While my beer was fermenting, we took our annual family vacation to South Dakota.  In paying homage to one of my favorite past times in the Dakotas, I have named my beer "Aiming Fluid Ale."  What is this past time you speak of, Martin?  Gopher hunting.  Well, its more like gopher shooting.  "Hunting" implies effort to track, find and precisely kill your prey.  "Shooting" implies aiming your gun and shooting.  We do the latter.  And sometimes....your aiming is off.  You just can't hit those pesky varmits.  That is where my Aiming Fluid Ale comes in.  When you are eradicating vermin...you will always need some aiming fluid for precise shooting!

4.  Batch Number Two is almost halfway done.
Tonight, my second batch of brew was moved into the second fermenter.  It will need to sit another 10 day until bottling.  I am really looking forward to this one.  I found a clone recipe for a beer that kicks @ss.  You are probably wondering, "well, why don't you just buy it if its a clone recipe?"  That is the thing....Texans cannot enjoy this wonderful beer.  Only the state of Washington can.  During my travels with my last job, I visited Seattle several times.  It also helped to have a college buddy that lived up there, too.  He introduced me to Mac and Jack's African Amber.  This beer is only sold in keg form in the state of Washington.  Nowhere else.  This beer is amazing.  I may even say that it is my favorite beer of all time.  It probably helps that I can't drink it ever......and in my mind it becomes more and more perfect and awesome.  Hopefully, this recipe will be spot on and transport me back to the northwest (and hopefully tastes like a Mac and Jack's)  But what if I can't remember what it tastes like?......

Grilling (Vol. 2)

1.  There is something more awesome than PLANKIES.
This past weekend, we had our annual trip up to the Frio River.  It was a short trip for us, since we had just gotten back from our 9 day trip to South Dakota.  Anyway, the way we do dinner is split up each night.  Each night, one of the siblings is in charge of dinner.  Our night, I also made dessert.  I made Grilled Candy Bars.  What are Grilled Candy Bars you ask?  It is pretty simple.

Take a tortilla.  Spread some marshmellow fluff on that bad boy.

Then take any candy bar you choose and lay it onto the fluff.  We bought those mini-sized candy bars, so we doubled up.

Roll up the tortilla and spread butter on the outside.

Why don't you sprinkle some sugar on top, too?

Cover it in aluminum foil.  Throw it on the grill for 10 or 15 minutes on medium-low heat.  Turn once, of course.

And that is it.  Grilled Candy Bars.  The heat melts the candy bars in to gooey awesome-ness along with the fluff. The butter and sugar on the outside give it a bit of crunch to it.  Good stuff.  Highly recommended.

Blog Update

Well, I have changed the face of this blog.  I am pretty surprised that I have gone this long without tinkering.  Love to tinker.  But ultimately, it will be easier to customize things using the blogger templates.  The old look, I had found at a blogger template site.  Loved the way it looked, but changing something meant messing with html code and that is a big pain in the butt.  What, what...?  Nevermind.

So, anyway.  A subtle difference.  Also, I have these cool reaction checkboxes at the end of each entry.  You don't have to write anything.  You just check a box on how you feel about my random thoughts.  Enjoy.

I promise new entries are coming....

Craigslist

1. It attracts idiots.
Oh, Craigslist.  Why do the idiots flock to you?  Probably because putting up an ad is free.  To be fair, I have bought a few things through Craigslist and had no problems.  Mostly video games.  Good place to pick up used games for cheap.

Here is a screen grab of my current ad.

For those of you not catching on....I am selling DJ HERO for the Xbox 360 for $60.  Just wanted to clear this up.  NOW!!!  Here is an actual email conversation I had with a potential buyer.  I will use his email handle "trejos_revenge."  His emails will be in BOLD.  My thoughts will be in ITALICS.  My actual emails will be in regular.  Enjoy.

trejos_revenge: Yo I want the dj hero how much
What I should of said, "Uhhhhhh. It says $60 in the title.  So, I will sell it to you for $80."
Me (what I actually said):  Sorry for responding so late.  I was on vacation and didn't have internet access.  I am selling my DJ Hero: Renegade Edition for the Xbox 360 for $60.  Are you still interested?

trejos_revenge: Hell ya I want dj hero can u send me pics

Me (what I actually said): Yeah I can send them tonight.  Its in great shape.  No scratches on turntable, disc or stand/carrying case.

trejos_revenge: Ok sound good I be waiting
For some reason, when I read this, that damned Black Eyed Peas song "Imma Be" popped into my head. Damn you, trejos_revenge!

Me (what I actually said): Hey man,

I didn't take the pictures last night.  If you are waiting for pics, you will have to wait until tonight.  However, I am getting more offers on this game the past few days...

trejos_revenge: Well if u are frying deal give it to someone else I can find something batter
Do iPhones not have a period button?  And I will give him a pass on spelling "better." He may of just hit the wrong key in haste.

Me: I am just saying that while you are waiting for pictures, other people are asking about it.  If you want to meet up in person you can see the merchandise yourself.  If you are willing to pay $60 for it and want it in almost new condition....that is what I am selling.  Pictures are just delaying this process.  That is all I was saying.

trejos_revenge:  Naw am good now u can sell it I found a batter deal
I take that back.  He doesn't know how to spell "better."

trejos_revenge: Thanks anyways

Me (what I actually said): Rawk on that wuz fast hope ur batter deal werks out
--END TRANSMISSION--

Sorry, I had to have the last stab.  My brain hurts.

...Anvil: The Story of Anvil (movie)

Note: I wrote this entry roughly 2 months ago, but never posted it.  This is due to the negativity towards the end of this entry.  To me, it's just to easy to be negative.  To me....extremely easy.  However, I haven't posted anything in the past two weeks.  So, there you go.

1. You can snort beer.
Are you kidding me? This has nothing to do with the quality of the movie.  In a throw away scene, it shows a fan of Anvil at one of their shows SNORTING BEER.  What in the world?


2.  Some dreams do not come true.
Who has heard of Anvil?  I cannot remember where I heard about this film, but it was thrown up on my netflix queue.  This is a documentary about the supposedly biggest metal band in the early eighties that just didn't make it.  Shoot, Lars Ulrich (of freakin METALLICA) says on camera that ANVIL kicked @ss and most metal bands in that era basically ripped them off.  However, all the metal bands except ANVIL got paid and sold millions of records.

The documentary takes place in 2007.   Not 1984.  These crazy Canadians are still playing shows.  The lead singer is a driver for a company delivering food to schools.  The drummer is working construction.  Still trying to "make it."  23 years later?!?! So wild.  The lead singer's 50th birthday was part of this documentary. A show for 20 drunk people.  Wow.  Still trying to make their dream come true.

Hey, look.....a quote about perseverance found by Google searching "quote on perserverance."  Yep.  I misspelled it.  And Google corrected it for me.  You smug bastard!!!

The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.

-Author Unknown

I do not want to be negative.  It is just too easy to be negative. I believe you should follow your dreams, but maybe that just is not in the cards.   After 23 years, maybe it's time to hang things up.  I will end this entry on another quote.

The deadest oak was once a little nut just like the greatest oak.
-Martin Roy

Grilling

1.  You can make desserts on the grill.
I am fairly new at grilling. I have roughly 2 years of experience. Over this time, I think I have created some pretty mean burgers and sliders.  I am so so on steaks.  Didn't grow up on steaks, so I don't ever crave them.  Unlike my South Dakota counterparts in the house.  Steaks...breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner and dinner!  No joke....my teeth hurt whenever I come back from a South Dakota vacation.  My teeth just are not conditioned for that kind of chewing.  Hell, I could chicken all day, though.   Off subject.

Two weeks ago, I found some dessert recipes for the grill.  Most of them were pretty fascinating.  I just never thought of the grill as an instrument to create something sweet.  Needless to say, this has opened the door to food heaven (or is it hell?).

So, here is my gift to you.  PLANKIES!

Line up some twinkies on a cedar plank. (So...you will need twinkies and a ceder plank)

Put some Nutella on those bad boys.  (you will need Nutella for this recipe)

Slap some crushed Oreos on top.  (you will need Oreos, too)

Sprinkle some mini-marshmellows and Heath Bar pieces on top  (you know what you need)

Now all you do is throw it on your grill for 15 minutes on medium-low heat.  BOOM!

Pretty good stuff.  The cedar plank is a pretty cool addition to the twinkies.  I would definitely recommend this for a weekend BBQ party.  Great change of pace.

I am done for the night.  We are heading up to South Dakota in the morning.  And yes, I have been doing teeth exercises the past few weeks.  You can see the teeth marks I have put in our only tree.  Gotta gnaw on something...

Parting shot. Check out my use of the MACRO focus on my old @ss camera!  MMMMMMmmmmmm.

Home Brewing

1.  Don't start this process at 9:30pm....on a week night.
For the past few months, I have wanted to try my hand at home brewing.  Finally, it has happened.   My son got me a home brewing kit and ingredients for my first Father's Day.  What a nice kid, but where did he get $200?  I  should look into that.  Anyway....

The process is quite involved.  Mix the ingredients in water.  Boil for about an hour total.  At one point, seep a certain type of hops for the last 30 minutes.  Then, seep 2 other types of hops the last 10 minutes of the boil.  However, the drawn out process is cooling your mixture....or ...wort (pronounced WERT) down afterwards.   This has to be done b/c you have to add yeast to the wort.  If the wort is over 75 degrees....it will kill the yeast.  You don't want that to happen.  The yeast is supposed to attack the sugars in the wort to create ALCOHOL.  Getting the wort to cool off took quite awhile.  Needless to say...when I finally got it cool...poured it in the glass carboy (glass container where it will ferment for a few days)..and added the yeast....it was about 1AM.  Oh yeah...and you made a big mess in the kitchen.  So, you have to clean that up so the wife doesn't realize what was all involved in the process. 

Good news though.  During the cooling of the wort, I went and gave Henry his midnight bottle and put him back down.  He didn't mind that I smelled like boiled grain.

2.  Your house will smell like grains and hops.
Oops.  It doesn't smell too bad.....if you are used to living in a grain silo.  I kid, but I am sure April will have a candle burning when I go home for lunch.

That's all I got for now.  I hope this beer turns out.  On Monday night, the beer will be transfered to a second fermenter where it will sit until we get back from South Dakota (July 10th).  After that...bottling...at least 7 more days of sitting.  I hope this is wort it.  Oh.....a pun!  Definitely going to end on that.....

Galveston / Fishing

1.  Galveston (and its water) is not that bad.
I give Galveston a hard time.  I'm trying to remember where all this animosity towards Galveston and its beaches came from.  To be honest, I think it started as a child.  We used to go to Surfside Beach all the time because our grandparents lived near the area.  We had tons of fun on the beach...but one of the main things I remembered was how brown the water is.  After traveling nearly 4 years with my previous job, I quickly realized that "most" ocean water is not brown.  Anyway...

Many years later....
Within the first few weeks of dating April (back in the summer '05), she had a friend from the Midwest come visit her.  April mentioned that her friend wanted to go down to Galveston and see the beach.  I suggested she just fill up her bath tub with water and then throw dirt in there.  It would look just like Galveston water.  She laughed and ultimately did not take her friend down there.  Sorry, Galveston economy.

Fast-forward 5 year....
Several weeks ago, the inlaws were in town from South Dakota to check out the baby I created with their daughter.  Ape and I always rack our brains trying to come up with unique things for her parents to do while they are down.  Since Ape's dad is always taking me hunting when I'm in South Dakota, I thought it would be nice to return the favor.  Do something manly.  Cuz I am manly.  So, I decided to hire a fishing guide to take us (me, my bro, Ape's bro and dad) out toward the jetties to fish for half a day.  And you know, I had fun.  Fishing is definitely fun....when you catch stuff.  My bro caught a turtle.  Ape' dad caught a dogfish.  Hell, even I caught a huge bull red.  It was roughly 43 inches long and 29lbs.  It was a ton of fun to reel in.  Don't believe me???  Boom....

2. There are sharks everywhere!
During our 4-5 hour fishing trip, we caught at least 15 sharks.  We had to throw most of them back because you can only keep one shark per person per day (something else I learned).  They are everywhere.  These aren't great whites or anything like that, but I wouldn't want one of those suckers latching onto my leg.  Would you???

This one is a bonnet head shark.  It was one of the smallest. Ape's Dad caught the largest one.  It had to be at least 5 feet long.





3. You can EAT shark!
Did you know this?  I sure as hell didn't.  Check this out.  Shark steaks.... 
Surprisingly, the shark steaks didn't have a fishy taste and grilled up pretty easily.  Plus, there are tons of shark recipes online...

Anyway, I think that's it....



FYI...in a few weeks, the fam will be hitting the road for our annual July 4th trip to South Dakota.  Hopefully, I will be able to share some stories and things learned from that trip.  Like...is it smart to drive 19 hours in a car with a 12 week old human being???  Or....what is the best way to hunt gopher?  Can you hunt gophers with a rocket launcher?  Is it easy to shoot gophers with an assault rifle?  How many gopher pelts does it take to make a gopher fur throw blanket?  Wow, that will look nice in the living room.  I could also make a rug....like those tiger rugs that still have the head attached.  But instead, it would just be this little 2 inch head of a gopher.  What was this post about????  Fishing!!!  I'll end this post with some killer action shots...

Henry Roy (Vol. 2)

2. Henry is my life.
The whole idea behind this blog was to write some funny stuff down that happens to me.  However, I thought it would be unique if there had to structure to my entries.  I didn't want to just write about what happens to me.  I wanted to analyze my experiences and provide a light, funny and a bit skewed opinion or view along with some things that I have learned from said experience.  With that said....

Henry is taking up much of my time these days (no way!).  If I am not at work, I am hanging with Henry.  Or trying to get some rest so that I am energized when H-dog wakes up.  It has been quite an adjustment to get used to the lack of consecutive hours of sleep.  One that I will probably never get used to.   So, I have not had much time to come up with some funny stuff....other than my interactions with Henry.  Lately, I have found it easier to just write random entries at the same time.  Not post them, but just write about what I am thinking about....and slowly piece the entries together.  So, don't worry.  I have several (hopefully funny) entries in the hopper.

But seriously, how can you complain about something like the lack of variety of things to write about when you have this???

3.  I fully understand the term Proud Parent.

I can honestly say you cannot fully understand the term "proud parent" until you are one.  The first few weeks, Ape and I were mostly just trying to survive.  Making sure we did everything right.  We loved Henry instantly.  But he didn't do much except eat, sleep and poop.  We were also not getting much sleep.  So, there wasn't as much time to just sit back and reflect that this little guy was something beautiful we had created.

In the past few weeks that has changed.  Henry has been more active.  He is sleeping in longer intervals.  Also, he has doubled in size and we feel much more comfortable to put him in the car seat and take him with us to run some errands.  And this....is where the proud parent comes in.  Everybody in the store you walk by....has to look in the car carrier.  It's instinct. It's a reflex.  Just like rubbernecking on the freeway.  Everyone does it.  You may yell (in your mind or out your window) at the cars in front of you....."Hey, you basterds!  Just go.  Have you never seen a crash?!?  Speed up!  I want to get home.  I only have 50 more minutes on my commute home!!!!"  But lets be honest.  As you cursed the cars in front of you........you also snuck a peek at the wreck when you drove by it.  You had to.  Plus, everybody loves a little baby.  Because they are cute...and most importantly the strangers don't have to raise it.  It's like windowshopping for diamonds.  So beautiful....but no thank you to the large price tag!  Just looking.

The few times we have been out, we get a lot of comments about our little creation.  I mean a lot.  Ape and I stopped at the Five Guys Burgers and Fries in Katy for dinner this past Friday.  We sat outside because we thought it would be a tad quieter outside and Henry seems calmer outside.  Everyone that walked by had to look our way.  Some woman walked by and said, "I'm sorry, but I had to walk by twice to see your baby again."  (INFLATE EGO button pressed.)  Thank you.  Drop by anytime. 

The next day, we dropped into a hip and trendy coffee shop off of Washington called Catalina Coffee.  We needed a little caffeine to jump start the morning.  Same thing happened there.  Henry is a magnet.  Man, if you are having a bad day....he will change it.  Henry just has to sit and be Henry and he seems to brighten up other peoples lives for just a bit. (Rapidly press INFLATE EGO button.)

Henry Roy

1.  In seven weeks, Henry completely understands and has mastered the art of fart humor.
Henry is a quick learner.  This is a transcript from last night.

INT. - HENRY'S ROOM - BEDTIME
Mommy and Daddy are getting their son ready for bed.  They have lathered Henry up with night time lotion and put him in his fleecy jammies.  Martin is bottle feeding Henry.   He is extremely content and slowly falling asleep.

APRIL

He is just the cutest.  He is just growing so big.  Don't you remember when we first brought him home?  We had to try to burp him for like 20 minutes.  Now, you pat him a few times and he burps like a big boy.  I need to write all this down in his baby book.  I want to remember everything about.....

HENRY

Henry contorts face.  His face turning a dark shade of red and then farts.

APRIL

...him.

Fantastic.

24 (TV Series)

1.  It's time to put Jack Bauer (and this series) to rest.

This year is a sad one for multiple shows.  3 of my faves will be taken out back and put down.  24, Heroes and LOST.  Heroes deserves to be put down.  The creators had something special and ran it into the ground.  Multiple times.  I don't want to get into LOST.  That would be a 10 page blog entry and I may cry.  On to 24.

I missed last night's episode due to my in-laws being in town and being just plain busy.  It was recorded, though.  As I was firing up the DVR this morning, a thought runs through my head. "Did I see last week's episode?"  I could not remember watching it.  However, each episode has a two minute "recap" before the actual new episode starts so you can follow what is going on.  At the end of the recap, it shows last week's ending.  I had seen it, but had forgotten about it in less that 5 days.  And this leads me to why it is a good time for 24 to end.

Last week's ending was SHOCKING and DISTURBING!  Jack is interrogating a bad guy. In doing so, he realizes the baddie has swallowed some extremely valuable intel.  So, on top of Jack going rogue.....torturing this guy to near death.....he now GUTS THIS GUY LIKE A FISH!  With a 3 inch knife! While he is alive!  The next scene shows Jack holding a SIM card from a cell phone.  That's what he "retrieved" from that dude's innards!

And I FORGOT that scene in less than 5 days!  After 8 season, you cannot shock me, 24.  Oh look, Jack is using illegal methods to extract data from a suspect. (Yawn)  Wait, the President is behind the conspiracy?? (what?)  Look, there is a mole in CTU!?! (eyes roll)  Jack's filleting a suspect to get a microchip out of his gut. (just another day at the office, Jack)  Thank you, 24.  You have desensitized me.

24 has run its course.  Great series.  Ground breaking when it came out.  There have been some great seasons, but Jack has run out of steam.  I kinda hope that Jack meets his demise at the end of this season.  It would be fitting and deserving.  Jack has served his country well, but has made many transgressions.  However, they won't kill him off.  Specially, when there are talks of a Jack Bauer movie in development.

Farewell, Jack.

Exhaustion

1. You can hallucinate.

There is nothing worse than being tired.  Uh, well actually there are thousands of things that are worse than being tired.  Like being lit on fire.  Or running head first into a wall.  How about this....being tired sucks.  I am not a morning person.  Sleep is awesome.  Weekends are the greatest.  Stay up until midnight or 1am and then sleep until 11am.  So great!  My wife would beg to differ.  She is more of a go to bed at 9:30pm and wake up at 6am.  No, thank you.  There is nothing going on at 6am!

One thing I have learned in the past few weeks is that due to lack of sleep, you can actually hallucinate. Like you are on drugs.  Disclaimer...I have never taken hallucinogenic drugs.  But we have all seen those dumb movies with the "tripping" scene.  I believe it is a law that every "road trip" movie must contain one.  The late night feedings of a young baby human being do take a toll on you.  In the beginning, we would wake up together.  Ape would feed King Henry.  I would prepare the diapers and get everything ready to go.  I would also handle the burping.  A few weeks of this at night and no naps during the day lead to a little bit of nutty behavior.  One of these side effects happens to be hallucinations.  I have noted this on about 7 different occasions with Ape.  I have caught myself hallucinating once so far (don't worry, I will share).  A typical "occurrence" would go as followed.....

INT - MASTER BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF NIGHT

Martin and April are tired from taking care of their new baby human being.  It is the middle of the night when April wakes up and says....

APRIL

Martin, will you take Henry from me and put him in his bassinet?

MARTIN

What did you say, Ape?

APRIL

I am just so tired, Martin.  Could you just take Henry from me and put him in his bassinet?

Martin attempts to get up.  Groggily, he finally sits up in the bed.  Due to his partial blindness and the fact that it is pitch black in their room, he squints to find Henry.  He leans closer to April and uses his hands to feel for him.  He is not there.  Panic sets in just as his eyes are adjusting to the darkness.  Martin gets out of bed and quickly walks to the bassinet to see Henry is sound asleep.

MARTIN

Ape, Henry is in the bassinet?!

APRIL

Wait, what?!?!?

MARTIN

Henry was not sleeping in your arms.  Your were dreaming.

15 second pause

APRIL

(deep sigh)

Oh my gosh.

This stems from April taking care of Henry in the dream world and it crossing over in the real world.  I cannot blame her.  Her entire life right now is Henry... and she is awesome at it.  Another instance involved April asking ME to take Henry from "Martin."  I asked her who she thought I was?  Needless to say, neither one of the MEs had Henry.  Once again, he was asleep in his bassinet.

My hallucination was also due to a dream.  As a prequel to this story, Henry has slept next to me for a few hours before.  I lay on my side with the my arm extended.  I put Henry next to my chest and he uses my bulging and manly adequately sized bicep as a pillow.  So, I guess in my dream I had put him next to me to calm him down.  The next thing I know, I'm awake.  I am laying on my side with my arm extended.  Henry is nowhere to be seen.  In his place is a pillow laying on my arm.  Panic, again, sets in.  Check underneath the pillow.  Not there.  Look on the floor to see if he has fallen off (how freaking horrible would that be?).  Not there.  Then, I realize it must be a dream.  I sit up in bed and can see him sleeping in his bassinet.  Ridiculous.

Are we crazy normal?  Sadly, I think I know the answer. 

FYI: The picture above is from THE MACHINIST.  That would be Christian Bale weighing around 100 lbs. in his role as a "machinist" who is slowly going nuts-o due to lack of sleep.  See the correlation?  Anyway, great flick.  Great actor.

The First Four Weeks of Parenthood

1.  WD-40 is a MUST HAVE!
Remember this.....all the doors in your house squeak.  If you think otherwise, then there are 2 reasons to explain this. One...you don't realize they all squeak because you have been in your house a long time or don't pay attention to it.  Or....Two...you have had a child and within in the first few weeks have WD-40'd every single hinge in your household.  Closet doors, bedroom doors, cabinets, toilet lids, etc.

Prior to Henry, I knew some of our doors squeaked.  At the time, it really did not bother me and did not pay much attention to them.  That definitely changes when you are trying to put your baby human being down to sleep.....only to wake him up when you close his room door as you are slipping out.  Then the door basically yells "HEY MAN, YOU REALLY DID NOT WANT TO SLEEP NOW.  WHY DON'T YOU STAY AWAKE A BIT LONGER?  IT'S ONLY 3:45AM!"  Now, its time to start the winding down process again.  Our squeaky doors has only woken up Henry once or twice (that I know of).  But closing all doors, if feels as if you need to hold your breathe and say a prayer.  Needless to say, I have greased down every single hinge that I could get my hands on.

2.  I go through diapers fast!  (wait, what?!?)
You heard right.  I go through diapers fast.  There is definitely an art form to changing diapers on a baby. The first diaper I changed was a tag team effort on the first night of Henry's life.  He peed on my arm.  Do people that have not had babies know newborns poop TAR for the first few days?!?!  What is that all about?  Anyway, I'm off subject.

Back to going through diapers fast.  For the first few days, I would literally use 3 diapers to change one of Henry's.  How is that possible?  Here you go.  Henry needs his diaper changed.  So, I get ready to change it by having the new diaper. Slide the new diaper under the soiled one he has on.  Then, as I am pulling the soiled one off, Henry decides to go NUMBER 1.  Think fast, Martin! My hand shoots out and blocks the stream from doing any major "damage".  However, there was collateral damage.  The new diaper is soaked before it is even put to use.  Toss it.  Next diaper.  Assuming that Henry's bladder was now empty was my biggest mistake.  Basically, the same thing happened to the third diaper as the second diaper.  Except this time, Henry also let loose a stream that could easily be 2 feet high.  The stream went up and to the right.  It drenched Henry's shirt along with 2 square feet of real estate on our "neutral" colored wall.  The wall is not so "neutral" colored anymore.

April is much better at this area.  Quick.  Easy.  One diaper per change.  She is a keeper.

Just an FYI....I wrote most of this between May 8th and 10th.  However, this morning (11th) I put the final touches on this entry.  Also, this morning Henry put his "final touches" on the wall...again.  My bad, April.....

 It occurred to me that I could probably write an entry entitled "Urination", but I do not want to alienate my 4 followers....