Pregnancy (continued)

3. We had to have rules at the dinner table.
One would think that a dinner table rule regarding a pregnant woman would be to chew your food properly while you are inhaling the food.  No, that was not the case in our house.  Our rule was....You cannot talk about the size of your uterus at the dinner table.

For dinner time in our house, we try to eat as a family.  "We" includes April, myself and April's brother, Austin, who currently lives with us.  Like clockwork, it always seemed like the best time for April to tell Austin about her doctor's visits or what she has learned from her weekly email regarding her pregnancy.  And I am sorry, but the last thing I want to hear while I am eating my Poppy Seed Chicken is, "my uterus is measuring at 20 centimeters (or is it inches)" or "the top of my uterus is right here (points to the top of her bump)."

During the last part of the pregnancy, April thought she could pull a fast one on me. She started using the term “fundal height”. But that is the same thing and that doesn’t make it any better.


4. The best ice cream to buy for a pregnant woman is Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
Why? Because pregnant women are not supposed to eat raw eggs. Cookie dough contains raw eggs. So they can’t eat it! Therefore, it’s all yours!!!!!!! Impregnator – 1, Impregnatee - 0.

Pregnancy

1. Men are inadequate.
That is probably one of the first things I learned about April's pregnancy.  As I write this from a hospital room, I am trying to hit on some of the more important lessons of the past 8+ months.  FYI... little Henry Lowell is doing great.

Much of the pregnancy, I did feel inadequate.  What can I do?  Oh, ok....Ape you carry a human child in your belly and I will just rub your feet at night.  Sounds good?? That is about even.

Oh, and during LABOR!  Even worse.  It doesn't help that the nurse and the O.B. were both women.  Obviously, they are professionals, but they knew exactly what to say and when to say it.  They were gentle, caring and nurturing while April was in obvious pain.  I was just standing there.  Holding one of April's legs.  The right words could not come to my mouth.  The only thing that did come out, were cliched phrases you would use to cheer your friends on at a sports game.  You know like...."Good job!" or "you can do this!"  I was utterly lost.

2. Movies and TV are inaccurate.
These media outlets did not prepare me for pregnancy.  One of the main things I have a problem with is when the baby "kicks."  I don't know how many television shows or movies I have seen that has a pregnant woman in it.  And like clockwork, there is a scene where said pregnant woman would want to show another character their baby "kicking."  It usually started with the other character resisting and not wanting to invade the mother's space, but the pregnant lady insists.  Then, there is always the two to three second pause of nothingness.  Then...."OMG, he kicked!  I felt him kick!"

Well, Mr. Television writer..that was not the case in my experience.   My experience was more like that of John Hurt's character, Kane, from the movie ALIEN.  Yes, I am referring to the alien popping out of his chest scene.  That is what I will probably remember the most about the pregnancy.  We referred to our baby as the Hulk from about week 13 on.  He was kicking mom's @ss from then on out.  He always seemed to be having a party in there.  From 10 feet away, I could see the Hulk moving and shaking.  Playing on one side of her stomach, then shifting to the other side of Ape's stomach.  It was truly an incredible sight. The pressure he put on  mom's belly button was funny and frightening at the same time.

I can stop babbling from now.  Would you care to see a picture of our little guy???

Those are just two of the things I learned from my beautiful wife while she was pregnant.  As time goes by, hopefully, I will remember more of them to share with you.   Take care.

Myself

1. I am odd.

A week ago, I saw some college guy.  He just walked by me.  He didn't notice me, but I noticed him.  He had long shaggy hair.  The grease level was cranked up to 11.  Unshaven.  Sagging dirty jeans.  Untied shoes.  He took care of his health about as well as he did his jeans.  Which is to stay he doesn't.  I am getting to the point.  Slowly.  But I am painting you a picture so you understand where I am coming from.  On to why I am odd.  All of these things were registering at one time.  Would you like to know what the first thing that popped into my "odd" brain?  I swear to you this is the first thing my brain said (in my head)....

"What a scruffy-looking nerf herder!"

Really, Martin?!?  There were so many different thing processing and that is what I thought.  I could of thought....."wow, that guy is dirty."  Or..  "damn, dude take a shower."  Or...geez, anything.  But no....what came through my brain was a quote from 1980's THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.  For those not in the know here is the exact quote...

Princess Leia: Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder. 

Han Solo: Who's scruffy-looking?

Yes, that would be a Star Wars quote for the late person.  Do I even know what a nerf herder is? Or could I even tell the difference between and well groomed nerf herder and a scruffy looking one?  No.  Which leads me to the next thing I have learned....

2. I am a geek, but not a Super Geek.

I like Star Wars.  I like a lot of different fantasy and science fiction movies, as well.  Movies based on comic book movies are usually pretty awesome.  Unless they are directed by Brett Hackner Ratner.  Also, LOST and FRINGE are two of my favorite shows on the television right now.  Geek is a good word to describe me, but I don't go too overboard.

A friend told me a fantastic story yesterday that pretty much illustrates the difference between these two (geek and super-geek).  My friend took his wife and son to a comic book convention (geek).  There was a costume contest.  As usual, many of the people were dressed up as different Star Wars characters (super-geek).  They thought it would be fun to take a picture with Darth Vader and some of the other geeks dressed up as the bad guys from Star Wars (geeky).  When everyone was ready for the picture, my buddy said, "Everyone say 'Death Star'!" instead of the usual "cheese!" (borderline super-geek).  The picture was taken and I assume they thanked them for posing with his family.  However, a person dressed as a stormtrooper that was standing near my friend heard what he said before he took the picture.  He walked up to him and said this with a straight face...

"We don't say the "D" word around here.  We lost a lot of good people up there."  

He then turned and walked away.  The geek meter just exploded into a million pieces. For the late person, the storm trooper was refering to the Death Star.  Here is a good definition from lovely Wikipedia: 

The Death Star is a fictional moon-sized space station and superweapon appearing in the Star Wars movies. 

In the first (and third) Star Wars movie it was destroyed.  This FICTIONAL space station was filled with storm troopers and their FICTIONAL lives ended violently and abruptly.  They did not get FICTIONAL burials.  Their FICTIONAL remains instantly became FICTIONAL space debris.  There is definitely a difference between dressing up as storm trooper (uber-geeky) and dressing up AND role-playing like a storm trooper (something entirely different and super weird and pretty creepy!).